Bear With Me: Excerpts on Reconciliation

My friend Stewart has strong ideas. The ideas themselves are often strong, but perhaps not nearly as strong as his commitment to the ideas. One idea came before our Winter Retreat. Stewart wanted a t-shirt with a gigantic bear on it. The theme for the trip would be 'Image-Bearing' (Get it?). But alas, we realized that our students needed a weekend devoted to reconciliation, going beyond forgiveness into a braver & more fulfilling form of life. We'd already commissioned a big BEAR t-shirt logo, and like most strong ideas, it persevered. We decided to call the series "Bear With Me" because reconciliation can be awkward (and the bear shirts were too cool to ignore). Here is an excerpt from that weekend with an introduction to reconciliation between people.

Room I

Imagine three successive rooms. You're standing outside the closed door of Room I. There's a sign on the door that reads, "Own It." You don't know what signs hang on the other doors, but you know that this is your first step. Room I is the "Own It" room. There are two sides to this room. If you've wronged someone, whether lying, cheating, stealing, gossiping, abandoning, or any number of wrongs we people commit against our Neighbors, the first step towards reconciliation is to own your mistakes. It's a room many people never get through, or are even aware they need to open the door of. That is why reconciliation must start with awareness of a wrongdoing and acceptance of one's role in the wrong.

But there is another side to Room I, the side for the person the wrong was committed against. The crucial process for you to walk through on this side is to accept it's not your fault. Robbin Williams from Good Will Hunting might not be the one to tell you that truth, but when you've been wronged, the first step toward reconciliation is to acknowledge that the wrong someone committed against you is not your fault.

Room II

Should you find that you have owned your mistakes or accepted that the pain someone inflicted on you is not your fault, another door beckons. The second door opens up to Room II, and the sign reads, "Learn from It." For the wrongdoer, Room II is where you begin to reflect on your mistake. "What does my mistake say about my heart? What could I have done differently? How did my harm impact people I wasn't expecting? Did I have any good reasons for doing what I did?" If you don't walk through this room, then any apology you offer won't mean anything. It's hard to be genuine when you haven't taken the time to own your mistake & begin to learn from it.

Room II offers a different question for the person wronged. The question is, "How were they doing their best?" Now, it is a shock to imagine the person who hurt you doing the best they could. But the reality is, people are complex. Their experience, story, identity & circumstances led them to that moment(s) where they hurt you. A pastor who spoke to my students recently said, "What you hate in your neighbor is most likely something you see in them that you hate about yourself." Hurt people hurt people. That's what this room teaches those who walk through it. It doesn't mean you have to like them, but it means you accept that their story is complex & they live in their own mess too. Room II is the hardest for me.

Room III

After Rooms I & II, the final room awaits. On the door of Room III hangs one word: Apologize. As a child, you might have been taught to go straight to this room when you did something you weren't supposed to. The rote-response of, "I'm sorry," rarely carries the weight it ought to when a chasm exists where community ought to reside. But, the weight of apology may indeed begin to bridge the gap after Room I & II. Forgiveness now depends on the one wronged, though at this point the wrongdoer has begun to walk through the doors they need.

It is here in Room III that the Christian story offers a step beyond forgiveness & restoration. Stewart calls this step "moregiveness." Moregiveness accepts the sincere apology, a grace in itself, and then goes beyond and offers more than what the wrongdoer ought to ever have expected. It's answering the call to love your Neighbor, even when your Neighbor has wronged you. It's answering the call of the Father to the Prodigal son: receive them with a celebration. The end goal of these rooms is a loving embrace & a thriving relationship.

But, the reality is, many pains requiring you to walk through these three rooms leave a permanent chasm in full community. It's ok not to have a thriving relationship with the person who ruined your life, your marriage, your health, your family. For many situations, "moregiveness" is extending any sort of forgiveness to the wrongdoer. It's more than the person who hurt you could ever deserve or expect, whether they ask for it or not.

The Dream

Like I said, Stewart has strong ideas. This excerpt from "Bear With Me" can stand on its own strength. There is beauty in pursuing forgiveness & reconciliation. If you have any sort of relationship with another human being, you will need to walk through both sides of the three Rooms.You are the wrongdoer. You are the one who has been wronged. But imagine with me for a second our students get this right. They will make mistakes & hurt people, yet imagine a world where people who say they follow Jesus own up to their wrongs. Imagine a world where people who go to Church are wise enough to learn from their mistakes. Imagine a world where apologies are no longer pre-packaged. Imagine a world where people take "moregiveness" seriously. I believe reconciliation begins when we understand God's morgiveness to us, the beautiful reality that I am worthy of God's love & Jesus is the proof. That's the kind of reconciliation & hope the Church ought to bring to the world. But bear with us, we have a lot to own up to & learn.