Am I a Musician?

As long as I've known him, my dad has played guitar. He bought a 1960's Gibson Dove when he was in high school for $500. It even has a particular, satisfying smell. When my dad unlatches the case, the smell transports me to every John Denver & George Harrison song my dad sang in my childhood. I learned to play my first "D" chord on the Dove. Years of piano lessons never opened my heart to the love of music like learning "Sweet Home Alabama" on guitar. Playing guitar has opened doors I never would have thought possible, carrying me from crappy Hawthorne Heights cover bands to Houston, Texas all the way back to Columbia. But, one of my recurring questions is, "Am I a musician?"

I ask this question for many reasons, the first being that after ten years of playing I'm still not as proficient as I'd like to be. I never took guitar lessons. I heard Kurt Cobain learned all he needed to play guitar from one week of lessons. Maybe if I had one week of lessons I could've played like Kurt Cobain. Then again, Nirvana songs never were masterpieces of nuance & technical precision. I can play a few Nirvana songs, but I still don't think it makes me proficient at guitar.

I also wonder if I'm a musician because rhythm doesn't come naturally to me. The theory of chord structure, notation, key patterns, & all the other necessary skills to understand music always came easily. But I had to fight for every ounce of rhythm I have, and I've always been a lightweight. A disconnect exists between my brain & hands such that when I play guitar, it seems like one is always taking lead while the other scratches its head trying to make sense of the other.

"Am I a musician?"

Well, I think everyone is musical. This doesn't mean every person can play an instrument or gets music theory. Rather, our bodies & souls can't help but enjoy the rhythm & repetition of song, the patterns of dissonance & resolution. Everyone has some capacity to think & live musically, some more so than others. So, if my logic is sound (All s are p, Hunter is an s, therefore Hunter is p), then I am musical.

While everyone is musical, not everyone is a lover of music. A lot of people enjoy music, or at least specific bands/artists. But I think a lover of music doesn't love concerts for the experience of concerts, nor the pedals on a guitar pedalboard for the sake of tinkering, nor Bruce Springsteen because he has dreamy eyes. The lover of music sees the song as a creation, a creation worthy of love. Lovers of music aren't just faithful to a band or artist but to the art they make. The lover of music sees song as art & cannot help but love it. I'd like to think I'm a lover of music.

But then there are those blessed people who are the creators & crafters of music. They may or may not love music, but they have the gift to express themselves & the world through song. These people are musicians, but musicians don't occur in a vacuum. Malcolm Gladwell wrote that it takes at least 10,000 hours to master an instrument. But, someone could play for 100,000 hours and still not become a grand-master if they don't have the innate talent for music. It is these conditions that make me question whether I am actually a proper musician. I am musical, and I love music, but when I look at musicians I doubt whether I have the gift to call myself a musician.

In the end, I may not be a proper musician. But, I ought not let comparison rob me of my love for music & my delight that, in my own non-excellent way, I get to participate in the works created by musicians. There are only a few moments I can say the divide between my mind & the medium broke down, where my hands played exactly why my heart intended as it was meant to be. For those moments I am grateful. And in the end, I hope to be content loving music & living life with musicians. And, perhaps it is unfair to ask whether or not I am a musician. Maybe an answer resides in those who know me & see me play. Just don't ask someone who saw me play in my Hawthorne Heights cover band.

-HGM